And this TWO shall pass

Everyday, all day long, I find myself taking a deep breathe and repeating the words, "and this TWO shall pass"  Yes, I know that most people think of it as "and this too shall pass."  However, in my stage of insanity of parenting a two year old, my version makes more sense. 

Sometimes I wonder where my sweet sweet Sami girl went.  It seems like just yesterday she would kiss me and love on me and want to snuggle and play....oh wait... it was!  That's the part that kills me some times, I never know what to expect from her anymore.  One second she is the picture of sweetness and people are commenting on how wonderful of a little girl she is....and the next, I have no problem understanding that original sin impacts people from birth.  Throwing things, kicking things and people, making huge messes, biting the dog, messing with her baby sister, getting into her big sister's things, screaming because she wants to paint on the same paper she already completely covered with paint two days ago...these are just some of the new adventures Sami has introduced us to while we have introduced her to the wonderful world of time outs and saying sorry.

The Sweet version posing with her sister

Left unattended with Pudding- She's crying because I said "no!"

A few weeks ago, I vowed to break our girl of her TV watching habit.  We spent 11 days without TV on in the house (at least while she was awake.)  She had gotten addicted and I did not like it one bit.  The time away from the tube worked and I am very glad for that.  However, there was a big, no HUGE, draw back- no more afternoon movie-naps.  Sami has always been a TERRIBLE napper.  She really only started this nap thing at 20 months and then quit them again at around 22 months when she had a stomach bug.  I finally got her to take a nap while watching a movie and the pattern continued.  I figured it wasn't too bad since she wasn't actually "watching" the movie, since she would usually fall asleep minutes into it.  So, when we decided to have a movie and television fast, she decided not to nap any more. 

So, usually starting around 4 pm I have, what I once affectionately called, "my little Chuckie."  Dinners are painful, bedtime routine sometimes torturous and everyone in the house is exhausted.  I know the obvious answer would be to get her to nap, but even since allowing TV again, the kid won't nap.   So today, I tried just getting her to be earlier. At 6:30pm she was out cold in her bed, the baby was asleep in the swing and the hubby was out running an errand.  It was eerily quiet for that time in the day.  I can't help but be skeptical that this will actually last all night.  Sometimes she tries to take a nap at this time of night, so I am just hoping that in the morning I will wake to my sweet sweet Sami, ready to face the day, after a nice looooong night sleep. 

Whenever a sweet old lady reminds me to hold on tight to these years and cherish them because "they grow up too fast",  all I can think is "Thank God!"  Those sweet ladies must have forgotten the absolute craziness of parenting a toddler.  I love that I can take pictures of the sweet moments and have sweet memories of the good times and I hold tight to the knowledge that someday, I will be the sweet old lady who has forgotten the craziness of these days :)

Good Night Moon Sleep Theory

Samantha had been sleeping well through the night for over a year when she sleep regressed at 22 months.  Bed times were smooth and life was good.  Then at 22 months she got a nasty stomach bug that, in addition to ruining all attempts at potty training, completely ruined her sleep patterns.  She started completely freaking out at bed time.  I am not just talking about a toddler not wanting to go to bed at night, this was a complete hysterical fear.  I was really getting worried.

We tried all sorts of things:  longer bedtime routine, shorter bedtime routine, more light, less light, hotter, colder, etc.  We even tried letting her cry, but hours of anxiety-riddled cries were not acceptable to me.  Nothing we tried worked and inevitably she ended up crawling into bed with mom and dad.  My due date with our third child was fast approaching and the lack of sleep was killing me.  One night, completely fed up, I moved her crib mattress onto the floor in our room so at least this exhausted fully pregnant mom could get some sleep- at least that kept her out of our bed.  When that seemed to get her to sleep, I wondered if she was over her crib and that she felt too constrained in her barred up little bed.  So we took down the crib and put up the toddler bed.  She seemed to like that more than the crib and at least wasn't panicking when first put in it.  In fact, she started playing "night-nights" climbing into bed and pulling the covers over herself and fake snoring.  But at bedtime, when we left the room, she would often cry until falling asleep, often laying down behind the door on the floor.  I would feel so guilty when I would discover her there the next morning.  We eventually put a twin sized mattress on her floor so that one of us could have a comfortable place to sleep when she woke up freaking out. We hoped that it would make her more comfortable in her own room and not result in a toddler in our bed as the new baby arrived.

The sleep problems continued even after the new little one arrived.  Now I had two little ones waking me up.  I knew there must be a better way.  One night, while reading Good Night Moon to Sami, it hit me.  I needed to be like the "quiet old lady whispering hush."  The little bunny was not having to brave the big green room alone.  There, sitting in the rocking chair knitting, was the quiet old lady, dutifully sitting guard as the little bunny drifts off to dream land.  Sami was always calm as long as someone was in her room with her.  Maybe, like the bunny, all she needed was for someone to sit with her.  It was worth a try. 

I thought of a conversation I had recently had with one of my closest friends, Liz.  We talked about how often times our struggles with our kids have more to do with our own issues than our kids.  I thought about how this may have been impacting our biggest struggle- bedtime.  Bedtime seemed so difficult because I was always trying to rush it and get on to something else.  Whether it was cleaning, feeding the baby, or vegging out on the couch in front of the television, I felt I had to finish bedtime quickly and get on to the next thing.  I decided I needed to find a way for me to be patient and just enjoy the bedtime.  Truly, nothing in the evenings was more important than making my child feel loved, safe and secure.  (Certainly not television or cleaning)

The next night, we did our usual bedtime routine: books, Bible story, prayer and snuggle and rock.  I put her into bed, kissed her goodnight and as she began to panic, I sat in the rocking chair, whispered hush and reassured her I was staying. I don't knit like the "quiet old lady", so I opened a book of my own I had brought into her room with me and read quietly.  I had left the new baby in the capable hands of my husband and I knew I had no where else to be.  I read for 40 minutes as she drifted off to dreamland, peacefully and in her own bed.  It was the most peaceful night we had experienced in months!  I happily left the room, knowing that I had helped my 2 year old avoid the bedtime anxiety.  She slept through the night and I cheered for her in the morning when I found her in her bed.  YAY!!!  The next few nights, she drifted off in less and less time.  One night, I even stayed in her room longer than necessary because I was enjoying my time to myself so much.  We have now been practicing this for weeks.  We have taken turns with bedtimes but follow the same routine.  Sometimes it takes longer and sometimes it is really quick, but all the time it is better than it was, for all involved.

Today, as I was going to write this blog, I read the Wikipedia entry on Goodnight Moon.  It pointed out a fact that I had not yet noticed.  As the story progresses, you watch the bunny get into bed and say goodnight to everything.  One thinks this would be pretty quick.  After all, the book only takes a few minutes to read.  But if you look carefully, this book takes place over an hour and a half!  The quiet old lady sits with the little bunny from 7pm to 8:10 when he finally falls asleep.  In a world where there is always something else we feel we need to be doing, very few people sit with their children for such a long period of time.  I know I am guilty of wanting to wrap up bedtime to get on to something else.  These years are short though and the time will come when my teenagers want nothing of bedtime routines with mommy and daddy.  So for now, we will sit with Sami as she drifts off to sleep (and enjoy a little quiet time to ourselves as we do so.)

Life From Suffering- A Good Friday Insight

It has been far too long since I last wrote a blog. Every once in a while something strikes me as important enough to put down in writing and send out into the world. Most of the time, I am distracted by children, life, etc. Sometimes it actually happens. Today will be one of those times.

It has been just over 5 weeks since our newest little one joined our family. Elliana was born on Leap Day after what felt like a long pregnancy filled with discomforts. On our first Sunday back to church, I stood worshiping, still sore from childbirth and had what was one of my deepest theological moments in a while.

Ellie was my second pain-med-free childbirth. With both Sami and Ellie, I had to have Pitocin to speed up labor with stronger more painful contractions but I was determined to endure it without the drugs for a long list of reasons, none necessary to list here. There is always a moment in labor I hit when drugs sound like a great idea- when my body screams at me "why have you forsaken me???" It doesn't happen until too late though. It isn't too long after that moment that my beautiful child is delivered into my arms and I am immediately filled with an intense love like no other. I lay exhausted, embracing my child, my newest love and it is all worth it.

As I stood worshiping, I thought how it made sense- life comes only after suffering. This is just the way it has to be. I only can have eternal life because of the One who suffered and died for me. I always take time to really ponder what it meant that Jesus suffered and died for me, for us all, on Good Friday. While natural childbirth certainly pales in comparison to crucifixion, it is some of the most intense pain I have experienced. Every woman who gives birth has to go through pain. Those who have c-sections have painful recoveries and even those who deliver vaginally with an epidural have pain to deal with afterward. However, only with natural childbirth do women really get the same intense level of pain throughout the process. It is hard to explain to those who have not experienced it, but it is an amazing process and totally worth it in the end. The life of your child, something so beautiful and amazing, comes from something so painful. I realized that the reason it feels so right, is because it is an image of something greater and more powerful- that our eternal life, our Re-birth was contingent upon our Savior's suffering.

I had always wondered, of all things, why childbirth had to become painful for women after the Fall and original sin. It just didn't seem fair. This Good Friday, I think of it differently. Before the Fall, birth didn't have to be painful and Christ's suffering wasn't required either. After the Fall, eternal life could not be attained without the suffering of another. From the moment sin entered into the world, God knew that ultimately a painful price would have to be paid for us to have eternal life with him. The consequence of painful childbirth for women was a foreshadow of this. From that moment on, life could only be received through suffering. We are born into this world through our mothers' suffering and we can only be re-born into eternity due to the suffering of our Savior, Jesus Christ. This Good Friday and Easter I am happy to have such a powerful and fresh reminder of what God did for us all. Just as every ounce of pain in pregnancy and birth is worth the life that came from it, I am honored to know that the unimaginable pain Christ endured on the cross for us all was all worth it to God, that we might have eternal life with Him. How Great is the Father's Love!!

Mom and Therapist

When I was completing my Masters in Counseling, we were required to take a class on Parenting. I was fine with this, as I have wanted to work with parents as a counselor for a while, but I wondered if everyone felt the same way. I wondered if this was going to be as helpful for someone who had a vision for working with a different population. As I have continued to practice as a counselor, I continue to see just how beneficial understanding parenting really is to the practice of counseling.

I see my role as a parent as coming alongside my children to help them become the adults they are meant to be. My role is pretty much the same thing as a therapist, except I am working with adults. As a therapist, I come alongside my clients as they work through whatever brought them into counseling and help them to become the extraordinary people they are meant to be. My job is not to do all the work for the client but rather to work with them so that they can figure things out. I provide them with acceptance and a safe place to process through life. I challenge them when appropriate to think, and sometimes act, outside the box. I help them move in the direction of their goals. Just as I look forward to the day when my children leave the home, prepared to deal with whatever life throws their way, I rejoice when a client has worked through their issues to the point of no longer needing my services. I know that, if I am doing my job right, the client won't need me forever, just as my children shouldn't need to live at home forever. I rejoice with the client at their achievements, proud that they have accomplished so much and wish them well on the journey. I remind them that I will continue to be a safe place if they ever need more counseling at another stage in life, just as I will always be a safe place for my children even once they have left the nest.

I certainly see my clients in a different light than I see my children, and have different expectations of them both. I don't see my adult clients as children or patronize or condescend to them, but then again, I don't do that to my own children, so why would I? Just as I believe in raising responsible adults as a parent, I believe in treating my clients as responsible adults. So while there are certainly differences between my adult clients and my own children, my role isn't as vastly different. I guess that is why I find it so easy to transition between the two roles.

Passion Meets Mundane

One "weakness" of passionate people is a struggle with the mundane. The things we are passionate about, we pursue with fervor while often the details get brushed over or missed altogether. For instance, as a passionate mother, I can spend hours pouring into my children playing with and teaching them, snuggling and talking with them. However, the mundane chores that come with children, like the never-ending pile of laundry, are so much easier to ignore or hope my husband takes care of them.

The other day my 11 year old asked me if a particular rich and famous person had an assistant. I told her he probably had several. Some days I wish I had an assistant. Someone I could pass off all the tasks I really don't want to do. This assistant could do my laundry (my least favorite chore), go through my email inbox to help me find the ones that actually required reply amongst the junk, make appointments for me, help with marketing for the counseling business, remind me of phone calls I need to make, etc, etc. I am sure I could give this person a full time job, if only they were willing to work for free. But alas, these are my responsibilities and I must find a way to balance the things I really want to do with the things that seem more mundane to me.

This is my current challenge. I hope that I do a good enough job teaching my kids to balance their passions with the more mundane requirements of life so they don't end up trying to learn this process in their 30s.

Closer to 1st Birthday than Birth

Samantha turned 6 months yesterday. This means that at 6 months and 1 day, we are officially closer to her first birthday than to the day she was born. She has grown and changed so much so far. She now sits unassisted quite stably, only falling over when she gets really excited and throws herself back or tries to reach for something just out of reach. She has learned many new sounds, though is still a pretty quiet little girl. She loves to jump up and down and play with all of her toys on her supersaucer. She has done all of her growing off of mama's milk and is about to start trying other foods more regularly. She has learned that food is yummy though by randomly reaching out and grabbing mommy's food- yesterday she grabbed my ice cream sandwich...ooops, but boy did she love it! She also went on a swing at the playground yesterday which she seemed to really like, though every time the swing came forward she closed her eyes and looked like she was going to fall asleep. She is much more interested in her environment and definitely wants interaction, though she is also still a snuggle bug.

In less than 6 months time, we will be seeing crawling, all sorts of food, first teeth, and maybe first words and first steps. In less than 6 months, we will be taking the traditional birthday cake mess pictures. It is crazy to think that a year ago, I was still struggling with first trimester issues, wondering what this little bean inside me would look like or even if it was a boy or girl. Now, I know my beautiful little girl has a great personality, gorgeous observant eyes and enough hair for pigtails. I am excited for the time to come.

Sleeping Like A Baby

I have always found that phrase to be misleading. Everyone knows new parents don't get to sleep much thanks to their little bundles of joy. Rather, these little ones come out sleeping for 2 hour stretches, waking to nurse and meet their snuggle needs. New mothers are told to "sleep when the baby sleeps." Nice in theory- if you are capable of napping but unfortunately I do not have that skill.
Then, magically the baby starts sleeping more, like a 6 hour stretch and we are told we are lucky that the baby is "sleeping through the night." I don't know about you, but I have never thought 10pm-4am was a good night's sleep. But since we just came from a land of only 2 hour stretches we appreciate what we can get.

Along comes the wonderful world of sleep regression and many moms find themselves up every 1-2 hours or if they are lucky 3 hours. To me, that 6 hours I was enjoying the week before now seems like a mean tease. I pry my eyes open wondering how it could be possible that the baby has already forgotten how to sleep. I hope it is just a stage...but no...at least not a short one.

Now, sleep is unpredictable at best. Samantha is now trying to learn to sleep and this means I am getting even less sleep. For her, at six months old, sleeping like a baby means going to bed at 10 and me praying "please god let her sleep!" The last several nights it has been anything from 30 minute stretches to almost 4 hours. I miss terribly sleeping longer stretches. I know the day will come, in the not too distant future hopefully, when she is sleeping for 10-11 hours straight but that seems like a dream at this point.

Tonight, I will go to bed, praying that she will sleep hours, plural. And I dream of the day when she doesn't sleep like a baby, but instead sleeps like a teenager- when I have to wake her up instead of the other way around.