Tuesday, October 29, 2013

An Aidan-Sized Hole

It has been almost 6 months since we lost our sweet angel boy.  God has been so good and faithful to heal and bring peace that surpasses understanding.  Today though, I mourn. 

It is likely that this would have been the week our boy would have been born.  All three of his sisters came 3-4 weeks early and I would have been almost 37 weeks today.  I remember thinking that we would most likely have our baby by Halloween, so as that approaches I can't help but feel like something, someone, is missing.

My sweet 3.5 yr old Sami came home from church last night and asked me if I could get her a baby brother soon.  Such a sweet, innocent question.  Her friend Molly is about to have a baby brother, in fact her mom and I were pregnant together, and excited to have babies around the same time.  I assume Molly must have excitedly been talking about getting to meet her little brother which made Sami want one.  Sami didn't understand why such a simple innocent question made mommy sad, she doesn't remember her angel brother it appears.  People have asked me if it is hard to see several of my friends bellies growing with their expected bundles of joy and I can honestly say no...most of the time.  Jealousy sneaks its way in every once in a while as their beautiful shape reminds me of how my now flat, empty belly should have felt at this point.  I can't help but shake my head at the irony that I worked my butt off (literally) and am now skinnier than I have been in a decade, when that is the last thing I expected at this point.  I find myself reaching for my stomach and finding nothing there.  I see the amazing blessing of beautiful boys being born from beautiful bellies and I wonder what our baby boy would have been like, but just for a moment.  You see, I know, deep inside that I won't have to wonder forever.  I just have to be extra patient.  Usually just the length of pregnancy seems like forever to get to meet our sweet babies, I am always eager at the end, just as every mom I have met is.  However, looking back, 8-9 months seems like nothing compared to the unknown length of time before I get to meet our angel.  One day I will.  One day I will see him face to face.  One day I will hold him, laugh with him and see his eyes sparkle with joy.  One day....

Until then I press on.  I live the life that I have been blessed with, beautiful messes and all.  I love my three beautiful daughters and treasure their laughs, energy and unique personalities.  I thank God for the blessings and ask God for strength to endure the rest.  I press on, persevere and most of the time live in peace.  But  once in a while I notice it...the Aidan-sized hole in my life, where my sweet angel was created and born into heaven.  And that's OK.

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