A Daughter's Surprise

I came across an old journal entry with a great story. It was dated 9/27/05, Brianna would have been 6 and i was still a single mom.

I hated seeing Brianna cry. The sound of her disappointed wailing so easily penetrated my heart and made me want to immediately fix it, tell her everything was alright and then make it so. I had scheduled a weekend road trip to cap off the summer before Brianna started first grade. Unfortunately, silly me scheduled it for the first weekend after school started again and she would have to miss the first Friday of school. I wasn't too worried as it was only one day of only the first week of first grade and I knew the trip would be well worth it.

All summer long we talked about our upcoming trip. We talked about the states we would visit, the fun we would have spending time together, the things we would do, and I kept telling her there was going to be a surprise on the Friday night of the trip. She tried to trick me into telling her what we were going to do. I was so excited and knew she would love it, but I knew it would be more fun for both of us if I could just wait and surprise her.

The first week of school came and Brianna, not surprisingly at all, made new friends quickly. She would come home exhausted but happy to tell me what she did at school and who she played with that day. I was thrilled that she was enjoying school so much. Things were going along great until Wednesday evening when she excitedly told me about something fun that her class was going to be doing on Friday. "Wow, that does sound like fun! I am sorry that you will be missing it."

"What?!!" The tears immediately welled up in her eyes and started to choke her up. "I have to miss school on Friday?!" I was surprised at how quickly she had forgotten about our trip and our plans to leave on Thursday after school. I tried to comfort her as I reminded her of the fun trip that we had coming up, but it was too late. She had lost it!

She ran into her room wailing and burying her face in her pillow. I went to console her but she wanted nothing of it. She was barely intelligible as she raged into her pillowcase. Every once in a while I could make out a "But mom..." or a "what if..." as she tried to bargain with me to stay for Friday. But I wasn't going to budge. Hotel rooms were paid for, tickets were purchased and I KNEW that even though she had to miss out on school on Friday that when the surprise was revealed, she would be thankful. I gave her space to mourn her loss and when she had calmed a little, I promised her we would have even more fun.

Less than 48 hours from that very moment, on Friday evening, I sat across from her at dinner in the hotel restaurant in Salt Lake City. This was the moment I chose to reveal the surprise. I passed her the tickets to the concert she had been begging to go to but wasn't coming to our town. "What is it mom?" "Read it." When she did, her face lit up as I have never seen it before. "Really?!!" "Yep" That night at the concert was one that neither of us will forget. As we danced and sang to the music, I knew she had long since forgotten about the disappointment of missing school.
********

I journaled this in my notebook I used for different spiritual things and while at first glance it is just a story about a mother and daughter on a fun trip, it was really about what I was learning from God. Sometimes, I throw temper-tantrums when I don't get what I want. I scream into my pillow, and plead with God, with "But God...." or "What if...", foolishly trying to convince him that my plan might be better. He lovingly stands by, comforting me and promising me that his plan is better, looking forward to surprising me when the time is right.

Just one of the MANY spiritual lessons I have learned from life as mom.

The Arrival of Samantha Grace

Twenty minutes after my husband Mike arrived home from a night out with the guys, at 12:50am on Thursday, 2/18, my water broke. Knowing we had a long road ahead of us, I made my husband go back to sleep and wait it out. I couldn't sleep and in fact started cleaning. Four hours later, I finally caved and called the on call nurse- she said to go on in to the hospital. We waited even longer to wake up Brianna and then finally left the house at about 6:30ish. We stopped at Starbucks on the way for some much needed caffeine and caloric intake. I had only slept 3 hours since waking up Wednesday morning and it would be a while before I would sleep again.

We arrived at the hospital at about 7am, they checked me and confirmed my water had indeed broken- unfortunately, my contractions weren't very frequent still. I spent the next 6 hours trying to get my labor to progress- walking, bouncing, dancing, squatting, relaxing and other natural techniques. I enlisted the support of Brianna, Mike and one of my best friends, Liz. At twenty hours past my water breaking I was only dilated to 3 cms and pitocin was necessary- I cried, a lot. I wanted a natural birth and I knew all the complications that pitocin can bring and I didn't want that to happen. Mike was a rock and let me cry all over him. I finally surrendered and the pitocin started at 1030pm on 2/18. The contractions picked up quickly and painfully and they kept upping the pitocin. I started really needing my support. My migraine also picked up and I started getting sick. After many painful contractions, I was checked at 1:45am and was only 5.5cms. However, that seemed to trigger something. After passing out several times from pain and getting violently ill, the doctor decided to check me 7.5 cms. More extreme pain and only minutes later and I started begging for my epidural, signed the paper consenting for it, even though everyone around me knew I wouldn't last long enough to need it. The doctor decided to check me again and sure enough I was complete and ready to go. Three pushes later and my little girl made her way into the world, screaming and perfect at 2:14am on 2/19.

She was 5 pounds 12.2 ounces, 17.5" long and a head circumference of 13". And she didn't have a name. Immediately after the birth- I was given percocet to kill my migraine. I was in a haze as everyone kept asking me what I wanted to name her... Our front runner name or our second choice, looking at her we all decided it was actually our second choice that fit her more- Samantha Grace. Samantha is the feminine form of Samuel, meaning "God Heard". There were many years that I had prayed that God would prepare for me a husband who would be a great dad to both Brianna and any future children. I love being a mom and I so longed to grow my family. The birth of this baby was a symbol of God hearing and answering prayers and so Samantha was so fitting. We knew we wanted Grace to be her middle name as we are both daily reminded of the grace of God.

We were finally released from the hospital on Sunday evening after treating Samantha for jaundice and learning she would have to be under phototherapy when we arrived home. She had to be under the lights all the time except for diaper changes and nursing. Other than her jaundice though, she was perfectly healthy, which is amazing at 4 weeks before her due date. She was released from the lights on Thursday night 2/25 and has been happy to be held whenever she wants. (So are we!) Brianna is a great big sister! She even changes diapers. Mike is great at taking care of baby and mommy and we are all doing well. I am thrilled to be able to be home with both of my girls now and look forward to getting in to the swing of things. I know without a doubt that being a wife and mom is what God created me to do.

The Little Things

I woke up on Sunday morning and snuck across the hall to my daughter's room. I slowly cracked the door and peered in at her. She lay motionless in her bed still. After a few quiet seconds, her head whipped to the side and her eyes met mine. Something about that moment reminded me of the many times that would happen when she was younger. Her eyes would light up as if to say, "Mommy!!!" Her face had that same expression it often would when she was a toddler and I would sneak into her room.

I smiled brightly and crawled into her bunk bed with her and we giggled as she told me the story of her bizarre dream from the night before.
Sometimes I find myself wondering how much longer I will get to enjoy moments like these. She is ten and a half now and growing up so very fast. She is a little lady really and I feel so very blessed that she still likes to cuddle up with me on a daily basis.

I find it can be easy to rush through the day and miss these moments. These are the little things that make all the other busy moments worth living through. These are the moments that build the relationships that last a lifetime. This is the laughter that will carry us through the tears and heartache that will certainly be brought about in the later years of parenting. I hope I can be more mindful about capturing these little moments before these days have passed.

Proud to be doing something right

On the way to church on Sunday my 5th grade daughter brought up the subject of dating. This wasn't the first time, mind you. Something is wrong with our society that 5th graders, even fourth graders are "asking each other out." I don't know what this means exactly. Do the boys come up and say "hey baby, do you want my mom to take us to a movie?" It is kind of disturbing to me. Nonetheless, boys and girls looking for affection or popularity or whatever it might be are looking to "dating relationships."

We have had conversations MANY times about how we want our daughter to wait MUCH later in life before she begins to date. Mike says he hopes she doesn't develop until she is twenty one...or the wedding day or something. I have held to not wanting her to date in high school unless it is in a group format. We have talked about why we feel this way- the pressures, the fact that there are so many more important things for her to focus on when she is young, the fact that kids/teens just aren't ready to date, etc, etc, etc. We aren't the parents that say "you aren't going to date, end of story."

Anyways, back to Sunday...so she tells us that a boy asked her out at school. Nervously I asked what she said. She replied, "I told him no." After I internally took a deep breathe and sighed, she continued, "he asked if it was because my parents won't allow it. I said, yes, kinda, but no. My parents and I have talked about it and I have really thought about it and decided for myself that I don't want that for myself." (Teary pregnant woman...)

It's in those moments, you know you are doing something right...

Catch the Passion

I have often thought about starting my own blog- space to process my thoughts on life as I experience it. The funny thing is that I was not held back by lack of wanting to write one, or by lack of commitment to the time and writing, but rather the lack of a title. Seriously, that is the only reason I have not done this sooner.

So, today as I was reading some of my friends' blogs and jealous that mine still did not exist, I made it my goal. I thought about what I would most often write about which made me think about is really important in my life. Truly there are two things above all else- faith and family. My faith is part of everything I do and therefore it would be implicit in any topic. My family follows a close second.

One of the things I am most passionate about is parenting. I LOVE being a mother, watching my child grow into an amazing future adult and navigating all of the obstacles along the way. LOVE IT! I believe that parenting is the most amazing, wonderful, challenging responsibility a person could ever have and would love to spread my passion to other parents along the way.

Personally, I have been a mother now for ten and a half years (or eleven depending on when you count from.) I was a freshman at CU-Boulder when my life changed forever and I became a mother. My daughter was born into the world to a young woman, two weeks shy of her 18th birthday. I was a single mother for 9 years before I married the man who is now her father and I am now learning to parent as part of a team. Our family will be growing yet again this March as baby girl #2 joins us. I am excited to continue this wonderful journey wherever it leads.

Professionally, as a counselor, I have worked with parents of many stages. I have worked in a pregnancy center with women just finding out they are pregnant and working on making one of life's most difficult choices- what to do with an unplanned pregnancy. I have worked as a social worker in foster care, with parents whose children had to be removed for safety reasons, hoping to reunite the families whenever possible. I have worked with parents battling serious mental illness. Most recently I have been working with low-income families and parents who love their children dearly but are struggling to pay the bills. The common thread, I believe a part of my calling, has been working with parents of all sorts of situations and backgrounds. I don't know where this leads but am willing to figure it out along the way.

So as the weeks, months, and years progress, I hope that my musings inspire at least one parent to find the spark to parent passionately. Catch the passion, it's contagious, and feel free to spread it too.